So, I have been signed off work since late August. Because of the two conditions in the above image. Anxiety and depression. The devils on both shoulders.
There has been a lot of discussion about mental health issues recently, partly because of next week’s elections and concerns about how the outcome will affect the provision of mental health services, and partly because there is still a distinct lack of knowledge and understanding of mental health conditions and what living with them is truly like.
I will never be ‘better’, there is no magic cure. Instead, with a combination of therapy and medication, the aim is to manage my condition so I can lead a relatively ‘normal’ life and go back to work.
I don’t like the word ‘normal’, in fact I spend a lot of time wondering what exactly is normal?
Last summer I tried CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) but it wasn’t for me, I know it has helped a large number of people manage their mh but I don’t have the tools to exchange negative thoughts into positive ones. I may never.
Currently i’m doing a psychotherapy assessment, meeting every other week with a consultant to assess whether psychotherapy is for me.
I also regularly see my GP to monitor the tablets I take and check in.
Sometimes it feels like I spend my time going round in circles, with good days where I get lots done and feel able to cope with things and then I can’t get out of bed at all, forget to eat and spend too much time sleeping.
Stupid things trigger my anxiety – the phone ringing, a knock at the door when I’m not expecting anything, opening the fridge and not finding anything I want to eat even though there’s plenty of food.
The thought of going back to work makes me feel worse than anything else, but I have to make a decision.
*lyric from Bitter Ruin’s Child in a Seacave